Today I sent out an email to my friends and family and told them I had started a blog. I’m excited for them to see what I’ve been working on!
Nah, just kidding. I didn’t. Nobody knows I’ve been doing this.
Actually, my therapist knows. I told her ages ago that I wanted to start a blog, and she’s been great about not bringing up the subject! Sometimes I mention it. It’s always in the context of doing something for myself. Not like getting a pedicure or going for a walk, but more like letting my spirit be free.
When I tell her about [theoretically] blogging, it’s in the category of listening to myself, holding space for what I want. Not what I want like chocolate, but what I want like health and happiness.
I told her yesterday, “So I’ve secretly started a blog.” Those words are in italics because I whispered them. Sometimes I do that.
I watched her reactions. She was so happy for me! She profoundly understands what this means for me. And she was proud of me. Because she profoundly understands what it means.
I told her I hadn’t told anyone yet, so of course we had to talk about that. Why hadn’t I told anyone? What would it look like to tell people? What would it mean? She doesn’t interrogate me like that, it’s just my shorthand for what we talked about.
I admitted I’m worried about what people will think. This is a huge theme for me. It’s pretty much the only thing that holds me back in life, but the thing is, it holds me back from a LOT.
The Voice of Anxiety starts in with all the what-ifs. What if people judge me? What if it makes someone jealous? What if someone who’s already jealous of me gets more jealous and starts plotting how to hurt me? What if someone uses something I say against me in front of other people?
There are also who-do-you-think-you-are thoughts, like what makes me think I have something so important to say that someone would actually read it? “How conceited is that.” I’ve largely worked my way through this hurdle, or I wouldn’t have started a secret blog that someone might someday read.
Mainly it’s the social anxiety. Fear of judgement. (Is this a reflection of my own self-judgement?) Fear of retaliation. The anxiety loop where I think about how bad it could get.
Of course it won’t get that bad, those are just made-up stories. Fake news.
I know I’m going to tell people eventually. She asked me why not now? Or maybe not now-now, but roughly now. This week or something. Near future. She suggested it be on a day when I didn’t have other pressures to worry about, just so I have space to process related anxiety that might surface.
Gosh, I sound like a basket case. I guess it’s okay, though. It’s okay to struggle.